Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Earthquake Hits Waterloo Ontario - My Fault

Sorry guys, it was my fault. Pun intended.

Earthquake, thunderclouds?

Best case scenario: A Minor Wurm got bored.
Worst case scenario: It's fucking Ragnarok.

Since the burning of Mel's Diner I'd suspected that a Big Terrible Old One had awoken and razed it to the ground. A dragon was the obvious answer, and I had apologised for not acting on its presence sooner. I still miss the milkshakes.

For weeks I've been searching for clues as to the whereabouts of this mystery beast in the vast network of tunnels and caves that make up the Waterloo Downbelow, which is a place I do not recommend you visit without serious preparation and accoutrement - most important being your travel papers and a magical axe. Maybe bring this guy, to keep the bone-crunching trolls satisfied while you run away stealthily into the shadows of cowardice:

Not that I'd do that to him, he was a good man. Is a good man. If he were to disappear without a trace, I'm sure his friends and family would, out of reason and well-balanced emotion, reach the conclusion that he ran away from home because he hates everybody.

So after battling with some trolls and thumbwrestling some goblins I managed to glean some choice rumours about a big something lurking in the Downbelow. My money, I said to the gnome, is on this being the dragon. I lit up one of my wizard pipes, the one that protects me from thought control, and struck into deepest depths of Waterloo.

It was there I found it - A Great Old Wurm, dripping its malice onto an annoying Happy Bunny dayplanner. "INCINERATE WATERLOO, PICK UP THE KIDS" was written there. Right. Well. I knew what I had to do.

For the next two days I battled that thing deep below, and it was very hard I'll tell you. Whenever my anti-thought-control pipe went out the beast made me do the truffle-shuffle until I could struggle out a match. Anyway, it finally went down around 1:45 pm today, which is what you guys in Waterloo and across Ontario felt.

And what thanks might I get for my labour? None of course. A wizard needs not these things. But when I kick a Great Wurm's ass and the only loot it drops is a Happy fucking Bunny dayplanner, I start to suspect that I've picked the wrong career.

No comments:

Post a Comment