Historical Badasses: Götz of the Iron Hand

Gottfried 'Götz' von Berlichingen was this knight-turned-mercenary in Germany in the late 1400s who fought in a ton of crazy campaigns, including the Peasants' War of 1524. Throughout his life he was regularly employed, wanted as a war-criminal, pardoned, exiled, pardoned, and wanted again by a slew of different factions throughout Germany and beyond, including two German emperors, only to die an old man at 82 in his own castle. Tolkien fans will rejoice over the fact that the castle was called the Hornberg.

Oh, and he had a fucking MECHANICAL IRON ARM.

That's right. While leading his own mercenary band he lost his arm when enemy canon-fire knocked his sword back towards his body. So he gets a goddamned metal arm made. Which reportedly worked well enough to grip something as large as a sword and as dainty as a quill. It's currently on display in Jagsthausen Castle. Jesus.

Goethe wrote a play about his life, and from that play, we get the first recorded instance of a now incredibly popular phrase: Kiss my ass. Or, more specifically, 'lick me on my arse,' uttered by Goethe's version of Götz to a bishop he didn't like very much.

This guy's badass factor is way off the charts.

Some Wicked Prog: Astra - The Weirding (2009)

Do you like Pink Floyd? Yes? Come to mention it, do you like Yes? I'll assume you like Hawkwind too. Do you want a band that pretty much does what they did? That band is ASTRA.

Playing it at Gen X has proven to be an exercise in giving people what they really want, deep down in their heart of hearts: 70s-inspired prog, synth-speckled and cerebral. And the good people of Waterloo seem to really dig these guys.

Released by doomy Rise Above Records, the San Diego band's debut album, The Weirding, hasn't left my playlist for a very long time. If you can shake the sensation that the lead vocalists can't decide between Sabbath and Floyd, it's a hugely satisfying album that begs to be played at night, accompanied by a lavalamp and a particularly Moebius-esque issue of Heavy Metal.

The Big Lebowski: Shakespeared

Odin's beard, Two Gentlemen of Lebowski really is one of the coolest things I've ever seen, and I salute the maker. In addition to being a big movie nerd, I'm an even bigger Shakespeare nerd, and seeing the Coen brothers' Big Lebowski turned into a Shakespearean play is pretty much the stuff I dream about. This must have taken a lot of work, and I certainly fucking appreciate it.

The Dude becomes, of course, the Knave. And Walter Sir Walter of Poland. Here's Sir Walter rebuking Donny for his cluelessness:

THE KNAVE
My colleague, although unfram’d and unreferenc’d, speaks plain and true. That these toughs are those at fault, we are agreed; that I stand wounded, unrevenged, we likewise are agreed; yet you circle the meanings unconstantly, like blunted burrs, unstuck where they are thrown.

WALTER
I speak of aggression uncheck’d, as crowned heads of state once spoke of Arabia—

DONALD
Arabia! Then we have put a girdle round the earth. Of what does Sir Walter speak?

WALTER
Cast it from thy sievelike books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.

Godamercy, this better be getting performed on a stage somewhere, and I better be seeing it soon.

Ryan Watches a Motion Picture: Black Devil Doll (2007)

It had a promising 60s/70s inspired psychedelic opening sequence and a hot funk soundtrack, but ultimately failed to live up to the promise of its name or its trailer. It dwells on some pretty uninteresting visuals for the sake of making the hour and twenty mark. That's uninteresting visuals, and it's a fucking SKIN FLICK. Hook a turbine up to Russ Meyers' grave, because the energy generated will bring the world into a Golden Age.

A lot of the film is plugs for the horror apparel company that apparently made Black Devil Doll. I ordered an Escape From New York shirt that's much cooler than BDB was. I guess they won.

So: Not that entertaining.

The Most Metal Painter on the Planet - The Art of Skinner

A Shadow Out Of Time

When I came across Skinner's work it was as though Col. Kurtz's crystal bullet entered my brain. I'm enthralled by the clarity it hits me with.

He started out by painting hats and purses. Then he met a guy who was starting up a skateboard detailing company called Blood Wizard. Blood Wizard is also, incidently, what I should legally make my middle name. He uses Cel Vinyl paints, which is the sort of paint that animators use to colour animation cels. This gives his work a kind of He-Man caste; a sense of the bizarre, psychedelic cartoon worlds that kids internalized in the 80s. I love the alien but familiar physicality of Skinner's characters: they have this visceral, sinewy detail that pushes into the psycho-sexual. Gives me the heebeejeebs.

Forgotten Ones, Bogsmen Of Great Skill And Weapon Making

Between Man & Beast

It really captures the primal, haunting, atavistic whisperings that lie at the heart of two subcultures I tend to give a lot of importance: Fantasy and Metal. Both, when earnest, an attempt at reconnecting with some ancient aspect of ourselves. Pointing a finger at the lizard part of our brain and attempting to reconcile with it. Skinner's stuff seems to be emerging from that particular human fascination, which is a fascination that sure takes up a steaming helping of my time.

The 8bitsbrothers

I am a crazy fiend for a great many things. Here are a few of those things:

• Popeye's Candy Cigarettes
• Pizza at McMullans
• Fantasy
• 8-bit music
• Metal

When the last two are combined, as in the work of the 8bitsbrothers, I become what is called an arch crazy fiend. It will take time to calm me down, and in that time I will probably have amassed a horde of lower-tier crazy fiends to storm the gates of Radness.

So these dudes have been composing 8-bit covers of metal songs from across the long walk of metalry, and I can't help but feel like it's all part of a soundtrack to the most epic NES game that never existed. 'Frost Castle of the Omega Vikings' or something. If you're into this sort of thing, much of their work is awesome and worth checking out.

If metal isn't your bag, they do a handful of other covers. Like Lady Gaga, and some wicked classical.

Alright. Here's a blog.

I give in.